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I HATE Alien vs. Predator (Review/rant)

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Yeah, vs crossover movies are really, REALLY hit or miss. From fun and silly but badly written ones like Freddy vs. Jason to disappointing but not completely bad ones like Batman v Superman, they are a mixed bag in general.

However, there is one I fucking hate. One I refused to review for a while. Alien vs. Predator. This movie is pure, unadulterated SHIT. Let me get into why.

  1. Human characters are complete ass and have no memorability. They are just emotionless statues who only serve a purpose to be killed or are just walking Macguffin plot points. I won't even bother naming them because there is no damn point.
  2. The Xenomorphs are just pathetic. Remember in Alien and Aliens in where these beasts were feared and treated like actual threats? Well, Paul Anderson just flipped the finger to those movies and now the Xenos only serve a purpose to just be killed and beaten up. Why even call it "Alien vs. Predator" when it is just the Predators murdering them? I would agree that a Predator would win in a fight, but this is just disrespectful to some of the scariest movie monsters in horror film history.
    • The Predators are portrayed accurately enough, but they are just slugs with legs in this film. Why are they so damn slow and sluggish? The Predators were very athletic and fast in the first Predator film, so why are they literal sloths in this?
  3. There is barely any genuine suspense and scary stuff. You know, the literal most iconic thing about the Alien and Predator movies. It instead focuses more on cramming unnecessary and useless plot in your face and hyping up some big fight between the Preds and the Xenos. It's literally just all exposition and no resolution.
  4. Terrible tone. The first two Alien movies and the first Predator movie (and the second one to an extent, I guess) had incredible atmospheres. This movie gets rid of any maturity and self awareness those movies had and replaces it with childish dialogue and brainless gunfire and running away from nothing.
  5. Horrible special effects. Bad visuals are unacceptable in movies past the 90's. It's so obvious that the monsters in this are just guys in cheap rubber costumes. Keep in mind, the earlier Alien and Predator movies had a lower budget and looked significantly better.
    • The sets are dogshit and ugly too. The movie takes place in the coldest, deepest part of Antarctica, but it just looks fake as shitballs. Nothing feels cold because of how unconvincing it looks. The terrible acting contributes to this too.
  6. It is soooooooooooo BORING! The action scenes are okay I guess, but half of them go by way too quickly to the point were you're innocent brain probably couldn't comprehend what the fuck is going on in this mess. The first 40 minutes are dull and lifeless. No character development, no genuine shit going on, just pointless conversations about nothing and exposition.
  7. Piss-poor lack of loyalty to it's source material. The entire plot of this movie just shows that the filmmakers clearly didn't know jackshit about either series. For one, Predators prefer and/survive better in humid and hot climates. So, why in Shrek's glorious swamp are they in the middle of fucking Antarctica? Plus, the Xenos here are too small. They are supposed to be about 7 feet tall like the Preds. But they are clearly shorter here.
  8. Since the plot is so poorly written, there are like 1 billion plot holes and continuity errors.
    • The pyramid in this film is buried 2000 feet under ice. So, why the fuck are there spiderwebs inside?
    • Basically every character has a gun. Were the writers even aware that there are numerous international treaties that make carrying firearms to Antarctica illegal.

So, overall, Alien vs. Predator is just an empty void of nothingness. It isn't even really a mindless action movie since like, 75% of the action is like 3 fucking seconds and the film takes way too long to get to it. It's not even worth watching this movie and seeing two men in poorly made rubber monster suits grabbing each other, when almost everything else is so frustratingly shitty and just all around horse diarrhea. This movie doesn't offer anything unique -- it's just a wannabe Freddy vs. Jason that says "fuck you!" to the comic it was based on and the films it is also based on.

Boosting this shit into the Skull-Meter, I'm giving Alien vs. Predator a 25/100. This movie fucking sucks. You'd definitely be better off watching Godzilla vs. Kong. At least that vs crossover monster movie had good visuals and offered plenty of action.

There's my review. See ya!

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