Kesner: The Movie (Fake Movie Collab (Kesner))

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NOTE: You can edit this, add yourself into the movie, add your own "Why It Sucks/Redeeming Qualities" reasons or whatever. However, DO NOT VANDALIZE IT.


Kesner: The Movie (Fake Movie Collab (Kesner))
DerpChrysi.gif
Genre: Comedy, Action, Adventure
Directed By: Fired Janitor
Written By: A Bunch of Retarded Incels
Starring: Kesner
Distributed By: Miraheze
Release Date: October 17th, 2025
Runtime: 6,900 minutes
Country: Eggrollslavakia


Kesner: The Movie is a 2025 Eggrollslavakian film directed by a fired NFL stadium janitor who was caught hitting a bong inside the woman's restroom. It premiered at a rental apartment building used normally for filming pornos and snuff films. The movie was released on the same date as the tragic event of the nuking of Nuke Town from Call of Duty.

Plot

Kesner does stuff for 6,900 minutes after he is cursed to live through an extra time period after stealing a water bottle from a vending machine.

Why it Sucks

  1. It wasn't screened in advance for critics which means...OH YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW!!!
  2. Kesner's actions in the movie make him a borderline criminal.
  3. Every Miraheze user that makes an appearance in this movie is extremely out of character and acts nothing like their real life counterparts (except Inkster and Zapper because the former, he threatened Kesner that he would nuke Eggrollslavakia if he was out of character. And the latter because she'll zap herself to death if she ever starred in this film).
    1. Wage, Eiji , Victor and even Kesner himself all hate memes.
      • Eiji is also no longer a K-Pop Stan, worships Joker and hates Parasite. He's also reduced to a gay stereotype.
      • Victor worships The Incredibles and loathes Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
      • Similar to Eiji, Kesner is reduced to an LGBT stereotype as an asexual and he pushes away every chance of romance and vomits every single time he thinks about sex.
    2. Masson Thief is an abusive admin who blocks everyone that dares to say anything bad about the Reception Wikis or so much as to criticize him.
    3. Stephenfisher2001 is an Anti-Brony.
    4. Grust isn't evil. He doesn't even torture the Crappy Games Wiki admins once in the entire movie.
    5. Void locks accounts the second they are made.
    6. EnnardTrap1987 didn’t rant about how shitty WWE 2K20 and Cuck are, which is absolutely unacceptable to exclude that fact.
    7. Trevor, like Stephen, is also reduced to an Anti-Brony.
    8. Awegamer2015 is a huge NatDexer.
    9. Mickey Mouse (user) is a Thomas the Tank Engine and Mickey Mouse hater and instead worships Looney Tunes and Cars, and thinks Allister from Pokémon should brutally die.
    10. Portrock1566 is a bigot.
    11. Ramadhan1a is a huge anime hater.
    12. PlantyB0i becomes an annoying idiot as if he was acting like Larry as he acted VeggieTales in the House. Though he's still not out of character completely.
    13. SaltylakeXD is an annoying whiny emo bitch who worships Object Terror and hates Inanimate Insanity and Battle For Dream Island. Not only that, but like Eiji and Kesner, she's also reduced to a bisexual stereotype.
    14. Seewater514 is not a Florida man, and calls vandals "protecting wealthy peacemakers" instead of "vandalizing street hooligans".
    15. Glitchmaster is an unlikeable asshole who thinks San Andreas is the worst game in the world, and likes Big Rigs.
    16. Stomps likes Pakdam Pakdai and is a big fan of it even though it is one of the worst rip-off cartoons ever. Plus he has straight up TRASH opinions!
    17. Theblazemaster4 now worships Foodfight! and hates Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
  4. Weird poster that doesn't even have the title of the movie. Also, how the hell is it animated?
  5. Cringeworthy dialogue, such as the infamous scene where Kesner sees a dog do a backwards and flip and says ”Well I'll be a taco truck! That Diddy Kong gone dog did a backwards flip!”
    1. Another scene where Mario says his infamous "You know what they say, all toasters toast toast". Also, keep in mind that this was a filler scene.
  6. FALSE ADVERTISING: Despite the title, Kesner doesn't even play himself and it is just an Eggrollslavakian prisoner that was released on parole portraying him.
  7. Eggrollslavakian stereotypes, despite the film itself being produced in Eggrollslavakia.
  8. Terrible soundtrack consisting entirely of meme songs like Dame tu Cosita.
  9. Bad innuendos, like Kesner making a 69% on his biology test.
  10. It was revealed that Kesner wrote a bad word on the blacktop in third grade and was never punished for it in this movie.
  11. Special effects that look like a 70's movie and were literally made with Kinemaster (except for the blueberry scenes). In fact, you can even see the Kinemaster watermark on the screen!
  12. Poorly handled and pointless cameos.
    1. The entire Miraheze userbase (as already mentioned)
    2. A bunch of Mortal Kombat characters appear for one short scene, dancing to the Caramelldansen in a disco. The characters include: Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Liu Kang, Jax, Johnny Cage, Reptile, Ermac, Raiden, Noob Saibot, and Especially Cyrax. And it was only their sprites from the Mortal Kombat arcade games, which is incredibly lazy.
    3. Heavy Weapons Guy is a peace preaching hippie, despite being a mercenary armed with a machine gun in Team Fortress 2 and takes pride in killing his enemies.
    4. Chuck E. Cheese, Jasper T. Jowls, Mr. Munch, Pasqually, and Helen Henny join forces with the Inklings and they have a Chuck. E Cheese themed picnic.
    5. Cool Cat having a TED Talk which is almost as long as an actual TED Talk.
    6. Norm the Polar Bear and his lemmings being religious nut-jobs in a bunch of scenes.
    7. Goro Akechi who is just there at a scene where he is eating delicious pancakes.
    8. Motu who is just there for no reason other than his comedy.
    9. Master Chief fighting against All Might. It's a long fight.
    10. Garfield eating tons of LASAGA
    11. Wario and Waluigi being chased by Daleks who were trying EX-TER-MINATE both characters. But they survived.
    12. Deku and Uravity just there going on a date. It also becomes a cliche love scene.
    13. Iida making out with Eiji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
    14. Captain Qwark singing Take on Me.
    15. A bunch of Roblox characters saying OOF
    16. PlantyB0i's three kittens from his yard fighting.
    17. Big Smoke ordering two number nines, a number 2 9 large, a number dip with extra dip, a number 7, 6ix number two fourty fives, 9ine with cheese, 9 dip with extra large cheese with dip, a number 2 with extra number nines, a number soda with 7 extra dip and a dip with dip and a cheese, with extra fourty fives, and fourty dip soda, and a large dip.
    18. Sly, Bently, and Murray trying to steal Carl Wheezer's llamas.
    19. Dio Brando just because of one scene where he trolls Terry Bogard.
    20. Mr. Lunt who does nothing but talk about irrelevant junk such as cheeseburgers.
    21. Shrek's cameo as a McDonald's chef.
    22. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis as NASCAR drivers. And they also work for King Julien.
    23. Siren Head only speaks in meme songs.
    24. The Straw Hat Pirates still searching for the One Piece which is too long for a filler scene.
    25. The 2019 version of Hellboy ordering and eating pizza
    26. Luna, Andy, Leo, and Carmen (Yes, the characters from Let's Go Luna) becoming slavaboos.
    27. Morgana going to McDonald's and ordering a Happy Meal while playing Fortnite during his meal. He also get's trolled in the Play Place.
    28. Fynlly the fire truck saying "What in the red name of hell is this?" CHILDHOOD RUINED AAAAAAAAA
    29. Mickey Mouse is reffered to as Yekcim Esuom for some reason.
    30. Allister and Thomas the Tank Engine being best friends and threatning to kill Nate from Yo-kai Watch and Lightning McQueen.
    31. Multiple NCAA mascots appearing in a football game between the Oregon Ducks and the Miami Hurricanes.
    32. PaRappa the Rapper ranting about modern rap which is ironic since he is a rapper himself. Not to mention that he provides some musical numbers rapping style.
    33. Zachary Ray Sherman from Cuck (Ronnie) was a very unnecessary cameo.
    34. Sonic the Hedgehog's cameo as a highway traffic officer is ironic as he gives people tickets for speeding yet is the fastest thing alive. Later on, Bibleman kills Sonic.
    35. Speaking of Bibleman, he later appears in an alleyway, alongside Phoenix Jones, who sells drugs to Bibleman. Despite the fact, that Bibleman wouldn’t buy something like that.
    36. Maud Pie being Kesner's biology teacher feels out of place.
    37. Tidus is the leader of the drama club (while Cloud Strife is the co-leader) and even attempts to re create the infamous laughing cutscene from Final Fantasy X.
    38. Bea swelling up like a blueberry (although it is admitingly the best part of the film). This also happened to Nessa, Edelgard (Time-Skip version), Dorothea, Mercedes, Eirika, Lucina, Hapi, Clair, Sayori, Female Byleth, Lyn, Palutena, Tifa, Peach, Daisy, and Rosalina in later scenes.
    39. Kanon Matsubara never ever says "fuee" and acts completely out of character since she apparently has Kokoro Tsurumaki's eccentric and happy-go-lucky personality, and she became an idiot. She also jellyfishes with SpongeBob and Patrick.
    40. Todd Howard using the Infinity Gauntlet to give the universe "sixteen times the detail", but nothing changes afterwards.
    41. Doctor Doofenshmirtz creates the "Shit Movie-Inator!"
    42. Chuck Glarman finding the eyes of Spider-Man and keeping them in a jar.
    43. Ness and Lucas committing arson with PK fire.
    44. Flint Lockwood inventing the FLDSMDFR and saying the n-word off-screen.
    45. Crazy Dave speaking gibberish to Big Smoke.
    46. Dr. Zomboss setting a building on fire.
    47. Anakin Skywalker killing Jedi younglings.
    48. Carbon from Book of Mario threatening to murder the whole cast but himself.
    49. Stitch saying "Elephants" in a indian accent.
    50. Firey and Gelatin tying their legs together.
    51. Yui Hirasawa standing in the background and saying "jakkajan" over and over again.
    52. Lamar insulting Franklin over his "yee-yee ass haircut" and saying "N*gga...".
    53. Phil Swift using a chainsaw to cut a giant boat and screams "NOW THAT'S A LOTTA DAMAGE!!" in an extreme earrape tone, just to advertise his new Flex Seal product.
    54. MePhone4 and OJ talking about Rick Astley while Lightbulb spazzes out in the background.
    55. RoboCop does the floss. Oh, and you know WHERE THAT WILL GO!
    56. Spawn appears a few times, throughout the movie. In his first appearance, he is seen observing from a building, with his shroud, aka; K7 Leetha flowing across the Titan’s Tower from Teen Titans. Because apparently, they put that building near it for NO FUCKING REASON! But anyway, the second time Spawn appears, is when he confronts the main characters, and saying "Excuse me, do you know the directions to a McDonalds nearby?", and then the third (and final) scene he appears, he just falls to his knees, and cries "WANDAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" For no reason, AT ALL. However, its great that Keith David reprises his role as Spawn in the movie, despite the fact they wasted his talents..
    57. The fucking Nostalgia Critic appears at the end of the movie, with Doug Walker reprising his role. The Critic literally says "This movie is shit! The characters are terrible! The jokes are unfunny and corny! The dialogue makes no sense, and writing, oh the humanity! ITS AWFUL!"
    58. Senator Armstrong is seen purging all the weaklings, and making America GREAT AGAIN!
    59. Angel from Hazbin Hotel asking 90% of characters to suck his dick. I wonder if Vivziepop is aware of this movie..
  13. AWFUL acting. Most actors show no emotion at all, mutter their lines and were clearly only in on it for their paychecks.
  14. At one point during the scene when Kesner is robbing the lasagna reserve with Garfield, Odie and John, John says that Lord Cupcakke the Great is the worst music artist ever because one of the security guards were listening to Squidward Nose. This speaks for itself.
  15. It's 6,900 minutes long...for no reason.
  16. Lots of padding, hence the extremely long length.
  17. Way too much product placement for things like Nintendo, Microsoft Windows, McDonald's, Extra gum, Wonka bars, the Flex Seal Family of Products, etc.
  18. Lots of ugly and scary logos are in this movie as a result of all of the product placement.
  19. Mean spirited moments, such as:
    1. Kesner breaking into an 11 year old's home and shooting his Nintendo Switch with a shotgun just for playing Fortnite.
    2. A kindergarten teacher slapping ice cream cones out of her own students' hands after Kesner leaves the building.
    3. Wikipedia being DDoSed because one user got blocked after Kesner was promoted to an admin.
    4. Kesner Hacking a Fortnite tournament and replacing every screen present with the You Are an Idiot website.
    5. A man being shot dead just for saying bad things about Eggrollslavakia.
    6. Caillou getting grounded Vyond style. What else is there to say.
    7. In general, there are a lot of anti Fortnite moments in this movie, making the creators look like toxic haters of the game.
    8. A shiny Tropius beating the ever loving shit out of Inkster.
  20. The scene where Kesner raids a Twitch convention filled with thots and simps and kills everyone with akimbo uzis while riding a long Starlight Glimmer is recycled from DUH COOLEST MUVIE IN DA WORLD!!1!!!1.
  21. Everyone who participated in the film hated it (except Bea). Enough said.
    1. In fact, Heavy said that he knew the film was going to be bad but only acted in it for no reason other than money.
    2. SaltylakeXD said she only starred in the movie for shits and giggles.
    3. Spawn said that he was tricked into starring in the movie, and felt even more suicidal ever since.
  22. Uses dead/outdated memes, such as Doge, MLG, Ugandan Knuckles and even Darude Sandstorm.
  23. There is a scene where Kesner is playing his PS4 and the screen glitches out at 999999999 fps. Many epileptics in the theater had to be hospitalized because of this.
  24. Disgusting scenes like when a man in the background mistakes dog feces for chocolate ice cream and eats it.
  25. Kesner fixes his broken ride armor during the Maverick shootout, just by kicking it.
  26. Kesner is far too overpowered. He kills every single colossus in Shadow of the Colossus just by flicking them.
  27. Encouarges drug use and underage alchohol consumption by many incel teens doing so at a nightclub that Kesner robs with a bazooka.
  28. It also encourages acts like robbing and killing, which can be seen by many of the crimes that Kesner commits throughout the movie that have already been listed on this page.
  29. The credits are two hours long.
  30. The post credits scene of the movie has people
  31. The director of the movie, the janitor, could not take any criticism or negativity on the movie at all. He DMCA d every single review of it on YouTube and forced Twitter staff to remove all of the tweets critical of the movie and suspend the accounts forever at gunpoint.
  32. The movie creators were confirmed to have bribed critics, giving the film 80%-99%n scores and many labeling it as the best film of 2025. People review bombed the movie on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb as a result.
  33. The ending is the absolute worst ending ever!!!!!!! It has all the Miraheze users (except Inkster) doing GoAnimate dances while singing "Say So" by Doja Cat, and Kesner does the Default Dance 100 times. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!111!!!!!11!!!111!11111111!!!!1!!1!????????????????
  34. Speaking of singing. Many of the songs are shoehorned such as a scene where many of the VeggieTales characters (Bob, Larry, Junior, Pa Grape, Jimmy, Jerry, Petunia, Mr. Lunt, Mr. Nesser, and Archibald) singing We Are from One Piece.
  35. Laughable CGI, such as when Crazy Dave makes an army of plants and Flint Lockwood activating a lightsaber.
  36. TOO MUCH FILLLER. Even more filler compared to the Naruto franchise alone.

Redeeming Qualities

  1. The director of the movie is a total lolcow that always shows off eccentric and/or foolish behavior that can be exploited to amuse onlookers whenever people say something bad about or criticize his movie or himself.
  2. Mindy Bloubahroi (a blueberry SwSh Lass) eating orange sherbet ice cream is one of the cutest and the most adorable scene in the movie.
    • In fact, Mindy herself is a likeable and extremely cute and adorable major character.
  3. Inkster is, thankfully, the only user who isn't out of character.
  4. As mentioned earlier, Bea (alongside other mentioned characters) swelling up like a blueberry is arguably the best part of the film, and the scene itself is a nice homage to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
  5. Although pointless, the scene where Chuck E. Cheese, Jasper, Helen, Mr. Munch, and Pasqually joining the Inklings on a Chuck E. Cheese's themed picnic was very wholesome.
  6. The occasional Bill Wurtz jingles.
  7. Despite PlantyB0i being depited as an insane lunatic, he still hasn't change much aside from that. Hell, there were some scenes where Planty is in his original true personality.
  8. This movie has been used for interrogation sessions, and its use has been proven successful.
  9. Shirtless Myers became canon.

Trivia

  1. It is the highest grossing film in Eggrollslavakian history, with 2371686287368721638712683716287361872638734982798472 googleplex Eggroes domestically.
  2. It had 39 lawsuits from companies like Valve, Hasbro, Sega, Square Enix, Disney and more due to featuring copyrighted characters without permission.
  3. The crying face of one of the kindergarteners became a meme.
  4. During an interview, Inkster revealed that the reason why the blueberry scenes look very impressive is because they were't special effects; Bea, along with the others, were actually turned into blueberries, except Mindy who was already a blueberry since way before filming.
  5. Glitchmaster regrets being in this film.

Reception

Despite the extremely high grossing and making back very excessive portions of the budget, the film was ultimatley panned by both domestic and foreign audiences, and is considered to be the worst Eggrollslavakian film ever made.

Kesner himself made an appearance on Good Morning Eggrollslavakia and spent every second on screen poking fun at the movie.

It was revealed that the main reason why the movie actually made so much money is because there are no movies made in the country at all and this was the only move that people could see, it would also be in theaters forever. Most people also consider it as a guilty pleasure and people keep coming back for it, and Inkster considers the film "so bad, it's good".

Comments


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VictorTheMemer2019

7 days ago
Score 1
the villain of this movie is the ice age baby
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SaltylakeXD

6 days ago
Score 0
Oh noes
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HellLord

one day one hour 45 minutes ago
Score 0
Nooooooo
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EnnardTrap1987

6 days ago
Score 1
This movie..Exists..
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Kesner

5 days ago
Score 0
Uh huh.
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Theblazemaster4

4 days ago
Score 0
One of the hilariously bad dialogue to me: I wish I shot the man instead of the man
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HellLord

2 days ago
Score 0

If I was cast in this film, my lines would be this

"Hell is the answer of life, muhahahaha 😈😈😈" (don't forget that I'm actually not using hell for religion, I'm just using it for fun)

"What the hell is this crap, Tad The Lost Explorer And The Secret Of King Midas sucks, I'd rather watch Cats than this crap"

"Why the hell was blockbuster demolished" (in response to the news of Blockbuster Video in Sidcup being demolished)

"OH CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP HOLY CRAP, THIS IS TOO PAINFUL, CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!!" (When he was crushed by satan)
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Glitchmaster

one day 8 hours 47 minutes ago
Score 0
This is fucking hilarious. Keep it up!
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SaltylakeXD

one day 8 hours 26 minutes ago
Score 0
Thanks!
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SaltylakeXD

13 hours 34 minutes ago
Score 0
Inb4 an edit war on WIS #32 happens

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