Jurassic Shark

Attack of the Jurassic Shark (also known simply as Jurassic Shark) is a 2012 Canadian science fiction action horror-thriller "film" directed by Brett Kelly. The film servers as a "parody" of Jaws and Jurassic Park, both creature horror films directed by Steven Spielberg.

Plot
A group of thieves and female college students get stuck on an island, haunted by an ancient and ferocious shark. They must come together and fight off the monster in order to survive.

Why It Sucks

 * 1) As one would expect for a movie like this, the production values are terrible:
 * 2) * For starters, the special effects are awful.
 * 3) ** The Megalodon isn't actually a Megalodon, but is actually an upscaled stock model of a Great White Shark. Even though some believe the shark was related to the Great White, this is just lazy.
 * 4) ** The shark isn't even animated properly; the movement is too stiff to create any illusion of realism and it's either open too little or too much to the point of being too cartoony.
 * 5) ** In various appearances, the shark is shown swimming in shallow water with no issue. This is beyond unrealistic as Megalodon is estimated to be 15-18 metres long, about three times the size of a Great White, which by the way cannot attack it's prey in shallow water like a Killer Whale. If a modern Great White can't beach itself to go after it's food, what makes the filmmakers think a Megalodon can?
 * 6) ** The gore effects are also bland and abysmal.
 * 7) * The camera used isn't a film camera, but rather a home video camera that doesn't even come with a tripod. You can get away with this in a found-footage horror movie like and Paranormal Activity, but this isn't meant to be a found-footage horror movie. It's a conventional horror movie. So it's clear that this was done out of laziness rather than for style.
 * 8) * Most of the shark attack scenes are below mediocre and make films like Jaws: The Revenge look like Jaws.
 * 9) ** Whenever a boat is flipped over by the shark, all we see is just people in the boat being thrown from one side to the other. And we don't even get to see the shark in those scenes. So how are we supposed to know that the boat is being flipped over by an 15-18 metre shark?
 * 10) ** The moments where someone is being dragged underwater by the shark are absolutely cringeworthy because it's just people pretending to be dragged under by a something that isn't actually there. It looks more like a terrible YouTube prank video.
 * 11) ** There's even this brief laughable moment when the shark is ripping someone to shreds underwater, but it clearly has nothing in it's mouth!
 * 12) ** The worst and most ridiculous one is when the shark literally jumps out of the water, over two of the students, eats the top thirds of the criminal leader, and turns around in the air to go back into the water! This is followed by a hilariously awful shot of the criminal leader's remains on the shoreline.
 * 13) * There are almost no sets built for the film. There is one exception, being the oil drilling facility, but all there is for that is an amatory no smoking sign.
 * 14) * There is no lighting used, even during the scenes that take place at night. Those scenes are actually filmed during the day with terrible nighttime editing.
 * 15) * The lack of a boom mic and sound editing makes the scenes that take place in dense rooms even worse.
 * 16) The movie is clouded with filler is just stalls for most of the 75-minute runtime.
 * 17) * Most of the first 10 minutes are mostly just teenage girls in bikinis talking and playing in the water.
 * 18) * This is followed by an opening title sequence that drags for 2 and a half minutes. Who wants to watch stock footage of water with bland credits for 2 and a half minutes?
 * 19) * After their first night on the "island", the characters spend 6 minutes walking through the woods with little dialogue, little music, and overall nothing happening.
 * 20) * Most of the action is shot in slow-motion, yet it's so dull they make 300 look like The Matrix.
 * 21) * Even if it's meant to build character development (which is just useless btw), the scene takes about 5 minutes and isn't even interesting.
 * 22) * If the opening credits weren't slow enough, the end credits move as slow as possible. It takes 11 minutes for the credits to finish.
 * 23) Whenever there is a story, it doesn't seem to make sense:
 * 24) * The only reason a shark was released into the lake was because the oil drilling facility "drilled too deep". Even a frozen animal being thawed and released is not as nonsensical! It just sounded like the writers just used the very first idea that came to mind.
 * 25) * As said in WIS#1, how is the shark, a 15-18 metre long Megalodon, able to swim without issue in a shallow lake?
 * 26) * Terrible and cliched horror movie ending: is it never explained how and why a second Megalodon is lurking in the oceans. Even if the first individual was a female, it couldn't have been able to give birth because it had no male to mate with. The only way this could make sense would by that the first shark was a female that was pregnant and had already given birth, but this is never even remotely implied.
 * 27) There doesn't seem to be much of a plot; even if there is a story about criminals stealing a painting and some college students studying an oil drilling facility, nothing comes together in the form of a plot.
 * 28) The acting is so terrible that it's even questionable if anyone of the cast actually had experience in acting:
 * 29) * When one of the teens in the opening laughs at the idea of shark being in freshwater (Bull Sharks exist), her laugh sounds forced, and her "You know there's no sharks in freshwater, right?" is even worse.
 * 30) * After the first shark attack, one of the criminals says in a very uninterested way "What the hell is that thing, man?"
 * 31) The dialogue is borderline insufferable and makes the acting worse, being bizarre on par with The Room:
 * 32) * When the oil drilling facility explodes, a scientist cries out "You drilled too deep!". The line is brought back later when the injured head scientist says awkwardly "Too deep, we drilled too deep."
 * 33) * The most hilarious part comes when someone witnesses someone else getting eaten by the shark and exclaims "Cool" with a smile on his face. How is being eaten by a gigantic shark "cool"?
 * 34) The fact that most of the girls are seen with little clothing apart from bikinis shorts for most of the film shows that director Brett Kelly might be a creep. This is a sci-fi horror movie, not a porno!
 * 35) * One scene where two of the girls take off their tops in slow motion with rock music gives Michael Bay a run for his money.
 * 36) The only reason the scientist removed his lab coat in one scene was to reveal the logo for the Hogsback Brewing Company on the back of his shirt. This movie was apparently so cheap it needed product placement to gain some form of budget. Why would any company want to be advertised in this movie?
 * 37) * Beer from Hogsback Brewing is also featured in the ending scene.
 * 38) Most of the characters are uninteresting and only exist just to be killed by a prehistoric shark.
 * 39) Most of the Megalodon doesn't add up:
 * 40) * As mentioned in WIS#1, it's just an upscaled stock model of a Great White Shark. Though it's still up for debate, many paleontologists argue that Megalodon wouldn't be related to the modern-day Great White Shark, but could actually be part of an extinct family of shark called Otodontidae, which diverged from the Great White's ancestors during the Cretaceous.
 * 41) * The film's title, Jurassic Shark, doesn't even make sense. Megalodon actually lived in the Miocene-Pliocene epochs (23-3.6 million years ago), not the Jurassic period (201.3-145 million years ago). Even an opening text crawl explains that the shark lived during the Miocene and Pliocene and not the Jurassic. A real Jurassic shark would be Hybodus. As RickRaptor105 said in his review of the sequel, the film was only given the title that sounded like Jurassic Park because it wouldn't make any money if it was simply titled "Miocene Shark."
 * 42) The posters are cheap edits of a girl swimming over an enlarged stock photo of a Great White Shark opening it's mouth, with some terrible taglines such as "You are chum."
 * 43) The moment where someone threw and explosive too late and got blown up is unintentionally hilarious.
 * 44) The film was packed into a scam boxset in Germany that tried to disguise it as a trilogy, taking old movies from the turn of the century and rereleasing them under different titles:
 * 45) * The first sequel, Jurassic Shark 2, is actually a Discovery Channel television film titled Great White that came from 1998.
 * 46) ** Eventually, an actual sequel, titled Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, would be released in 2021 and directed by Mark Polonia.
 * 47) * The second sequel, Jurassic Shark 3, is actually a film from 2002 titled Megalodon.

The Only Redeeming Quality

 * 1) While most of it is boring filler, a lot of it can also be unintentionally hilarious.

Videos
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Trivia

 * A sequel, titled Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, was released in 2021, directed by Mark Polonia (the director of Jurassic Prey and Saurians).