Blog:Adventures of Panda Warrior Except Everything Is Ranting

Note: The Adventures of Panda Warrior page was a page I created, the original version was a rant, and it got deleted. I made this to remember the time I made that page, which was the first ever thing I did on the website.)

The Adventures of Frickin’ Jinbao (Chinese: WHO F*CKING CARES?) (Released as The Adventures of Panda Warrior in the US) is a 2012 Idiotic North Korean “computer-animated” action “comedy” martial arts film directed by Michael Bay and written by some idiot who molests kids. The film's English cast features Rob Schneider, Haylie Duff, Norm Macdonald, Lauren Elizabeth, and Tom Kenny. Many of the film's fight scenes were animated using motion capture.

Plot
In Imperial China, a peace-loving soldier named Jinbao has heard about Merryland from his grandfather who gave him a mental disorder. His Captain states that the world won't be at peace. During an attack on their camp, Jinbao RUNS OFF THE FRICKIN CLIFF LIKE A BIG FAT DICK PUSSY and finds himself in Merryland in the form of the giant panda. When falling out the sky, he is saved by Bitch Hog. Jinbao learns about Merryland how it is ruled by a 1 DIMENSIONAL SLUT and his DISPOSABLE ARMY as well as the Cult of the Panda Warrior.

Why It Sucks

 * 1) LMAO I DONT THINK YOU NOTICED BUT THIS IS “INSPIRED” BY KUNG FU FRICKIN PANDA JUST WHY DID YOU RIP IT OFF JUST PLEASE TELL ME FCKING WHY!!!!!! WHY! WHY! WHY?!!!! EIKFVKCLSLGN MALEKFJVKVMVKFKXCKVMGKDL;([]#znWFAOIRE
 * 2) THE CGI IS SO HORRIBLE THAT IT MAKES YOU WANNA LAUGH LOL
 * 3) UGH THE FRAME RATE IS SO BAD WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? JUST MAKE IT HIGHER!
 * 4) The characters are being introduced SO FAST! CHILL, MOVIE, YOU HAVE MORE THAN AN HOUR OF SCREEN TIME TO FILL!!!!!
 * 5) The character designs are SO AWFUL. IS IT EVEN A FLYING PIG? WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
 * 6) * SHE DOESN'T EVEN USE HER BIG-ASS EARS TO FLY!
 * 7) * GET A SMALLER NOSE, JIN-B*TCH!
 * 8) The characters. The characters. THEY’RE SO USELESS AND 1-DIMENSIONAL! THEY DON’T EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO THE PLOT! OHHHH. I KNOW. YOU JUST EXIST TO FILL IN SCREEN TIME!
 * 9) IT JUST CUTS TO POINTLESS SHOTS AND- AND WHA- THESE CUTS- HOW- WHY DO THEY-
 * 10) THE PLOT IS VIRTUALLY NON EXISTENT! IT. DOESNT. MAKE. ANY. SENSE!
 * 11) When fighting the heroes, the side villains DON'T FIGHT BACK! THEY JUST EXIST FOR THE SAKE OF A FLIPPIN 2ND ACT! They’re so pathetic! I kind of feel bad for them.
 * 12) The leader of the resistance is called THE LION KING! THATS LIEK A RIP OFF! OF LIKE THE LION KING. HOW DARE THEY?
 * 13) Ooooh! PLOT TWIST! It turns out that the VILLAIN IS ACTUALLY A RAT! A RAT! WHY?!?!?!? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!!! DID YOU JUST DO THAT FOR THREE EXTRA SECONDS OF RUNTIME?
 * 14) PEOPLE GET IMPALED! DONT YOU CAR EBAOUT THE KIDDS????????
 * 15) FAMOUS ACTORS LIKE TOM FRICKIN KENNY ACTED IN THIS! TOM KENNY! HOW COULD YOU?!?
 * 16) During the climax of the movie, the fight LITERALLY TURNS INTO A STUPID FIGHTING GAME WITH- WITH- HEALTH BARS- AND- AND- COMBOS AND THEN AT THE END THEY LITERALLY JUST DO AN ULTIMATE COMBO! THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER!

Redeeming Qualities

 * 1) THERE ARE NO F*CKING REDEEMING QUALITIES YOU RUNTY LITTLE F*CKING B*TCH ASS F*CKING PUSSY COCK!

Reception
THISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKSTHISMOVIESUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

Trivia

 * 1) THIS MOVIE IS STUPID! WOW! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

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